Improving Yourself

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How we develop

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This article is for you and for parents who raise children. For you it is to recognize what did go well and what did go wrong in your past. In other words what made you as you are right now. It is also a starting point to improve the not so good things about you, like insecurity or aggression. Most adult have many problems. For you, I could describe your developing process.

For parents it is to explain what the best way is to deal with children. Yes, there is a certain proper way to raise your children. For this, read also my parenting course on this site. It is free, but very, very important. For parents I describe the way to prevent damage to children.

Children are born without character or any knowledge. At birth all the good potential is there. But it can be destroyed by wrong approaches. At birth:

  • We have persistence.
  • We are curious.
  • We want to be happy.
  • We do not doubt ourselves.
  • We are not aggressive.
  • Etc.

Many think, a lot of our behavior can be found in the genes. The good stuff, as just described, is. This is the foundation of every human being. In general you could say the positive things are a nature thing; the negative things are a growing up problem. They sneak in during the path to adulthood.

Do not think because dad is aggressive and his son is the same, it is in the genes. This is not right. We have a certain amount of aggression in our nature at birth, but this is only for self protection. If someone is attacking you physically, you are going to defend yourself. This is normal. This is not the same as "If you do not like my shoes, I am going to punch you in the face." That is aggression. Not self defense.  Aggression is because of frustration of life or because aggression has been thought as normal, but it is not a gene thing. In other words, a baby does not have this when it is born. It is unnatural. In short, aggression is because of bad parenting.  

After this introduction, now how we develop.

If a child is born, it knows nothing. It does not know how to eat with a fork. It does not know how to put on shoes. And for instance, it cannot speak. Nature works like this. The more intelligent the specie is, the more it works like this. A fish does not have parents around most of the time when it is born. So, this behavior must be in the genes. We, humans, are different. We have parents nearby for protection and teaching. Otherwise we cannot survive.

Now I am really starting to explain how we develop. Try to imagine a baby with an empty brain, because this is what it is. It works like this (on any age of the child). When a child sees something from his or her parents, the child gets the desire to do it also. It is not always possible, but the wanting is there. And if it sees things from other human beings and it looks fun, the child want to do it also. This is a nature thing. The brain works like this. Jump back to animals. If an adult pray animal (a deer for instance) sees a lion, it will run for its life. A new born will run with their parents, because it wants to follow. Somehow in the brain, the little one makes the connection with the approaching lion and fleeing. That is why the later adult will flee by itself when it sees a lion coming. We, the humans, have the same thing.

Children have the need from nature to copy the parents. Realize this, it a learning tool. Otherwise we cannot develop. We do not have genes for playing soccer. It is also related to other children and adults for the child, bus less strong. If a child sees other children or adults playing soccer it wants it too. This the source for our development. If there would be no urge to do something, we would not develop. If you do not want something, you do not learn it.

This is why a child gets upset if it sees other children playing and a parent is stopping the child. The child wants to join, because it has that urge. Think about your own feelings. What do you feel if you see children playing soccer. What happens to you if you see others dancing / having fun / laughing / etc. You want it too. You still have that urge, because it is a nature thing. Seeing a baking contest on TV, wakes up the cook inside you. "I want that too." Being shy / insecure is what is holding you back. But the desire is there. This is a nature thing.

Same for speaking. If a new born hears often "mom" it wants to respond with "mom." But at birth the body and brain is not ready for this. It is not possible to have a conversation with a baby on its first day. But because if a baby hears often "mom", the desire of saying it too, starts. And because of that (!), the baby's brain start to develop in that direction. If the brain and speech parts of the baby are ready, it will say its first "mom."

If you do not believe this is the process, I transfer it to your adult life. If you have never played the piano, you cannot play a melody on the piano. You want it, but your brain is not ready. (Baby cannot speak.) You take lessons and after a while you can play your first melody. ("Mom".) This means your brain is ready for it now.

Not sure about this, but probably (for a part) this is my discovery. But don't shoot me if I am wrong.
This is the process for developing a child. But (!), if you show wrong behavior in front of a young child or you teach them the wrong things, your child can develop in the wrong direction. If you smoke in front of a young child, the child wants to smoke too. The right parents will forbid this, but the parents have to forbid things while a child has the natural desire of copying.

  • The best parents do not give the wrong examples.
  • The not so bad parents forbid copying wrong behavior, although they show it themselves.
  • The not so good parents allow (copying) wrong behavior.

If a child grows up with the idea lying is not a problem, your child will lie. It does not know it is wrong to lie. A child is not born with the idea lying is wrong. If parents lie themselves and / or do not teach lying is wrong, a child will lie. It is as simple as that. And he / she will lie the rest of their life. And probably their children will become liars also. That is why an honest person does not want to lie. He or she starts to feel guilty. This is because their parents made them feel guilty as a child, if they would lie. This is still in the brains. These persons are "programmed" to feel guilty if they want to lie. And this is because of good parenting, because lying is wrong. If parents allow lying, those children do not feel guilty if they lie. So, if children lie all the time, the parents are to blame. Not nice to hear, but it is what it is. I have to be clear and sometimes hard on things, otherwise improvement is not possible. If you make children feel guilty if they lie, you are doing the right things. You keep them honest and they carry this with them for the rest of their life. If an adult feels guilty over lying, it is still the result of their parents. And off course this honest child will teach it to their children.

Don't blame a child if it wants to copy. It is a natural thing to imitate parents, otherwise a child cannot develop. It only goes wrong if parents show the wrong things and allow it from their children.

But there is a negative thing involved in copying behavior from children towards parents. From nature, children copy. This is for animals too. Otherwise we and they cannot develop. The negative thing is the amount of respect from parents towards children. If you do not take children seriously, other things are starting to happen. Not going to explain what respecting children is here, because for this is my parenting info on this site. But in short, respecting children means really talking and listening to them. Not caring about them or dominating them are two opposite wrong approaches of parenting. Those parents do not really care about their children, although they say they do. Please, read my parenting info if you want to do it the right way. There is a higher form of parenting and this one includes really caring for children. Caring for children means helping them to grow the best way possible. This is more than controlling them.

Now about the side effects from children who are not really respected. One of them is tension is the family. "The children can do whatever they want" parents, will lose control over their children very soon. The dominating parents create tension, because children will fight the suppression.

The children who have completely freedom do whatever they want and will not copy parents very much. If you can do whatever you want, why should you copy others. Why use fork and knife if you do it with your hands. Throwing food is much more fun than being decent. And these children will keep the attitude "I can do whatever I like", when they become adults. It will become less, because of criticism from others, but in general they will not be very pleasant people to deal with.

The dominated children feel they are not respected. Because of that, they go against the parent(s). Not listening to a child is also a sign of disrespect for a child. It means you do not take it seriously. If a child feels it is not being respected, it goes in rebel mode. Same for supervisor versus employee by the way. In rebel mode, you want to go against the suppressor. It will be something like this. "If dad (could also be for mom) likes this, I do not like it." Or "If dad does not like this, I like it." "If dad goes left, I want to go right." Is for sports, politics, music and more. This is one of the main reasons why children do not like the music choice of their parents. In other words the not respected child does NOT want to copy his / her role model. It will not be like dad or mom. This is rebel mode. Rebel mode is not wanting something; it is going against something. Wanting to do the opposite. A child does not want this, but this is the only way to survive, otherwise it will be suppressed. If the child accept the dominance, he / she will become a broken, submissive person.

Do not see that as black and white. There are a lot of grey situations. The too soft parents can have some control or not so bad control. The dominating parent has also levels. There is something like a little bit dominating. Being in control and dominating are not the same. You should be in control, but not dominating. See my parenting course. Also if you do not have children. You could start understanding things (with yourself).

Try to understand this, copying is not the same as taking over. Copying is a learning process. It is a nature thing. Taking over only happens if you allow it.

The only right way for developing children is being in charge (not the same as dominating) and respecting children. If you can do this, you will have hardly any problems with parenting and the children grow up well balanced. Other approaches will fail. With fail I mean family problems and child damage. With damage I mean aggressive, insecure, frustrated, etc. This could end with drug and alcohol abuse, jail, etc.

Yes, I am being hard towards parents. This is because a child and the later adult can have severe mental damage, if parenting is done the wrong way. But most parents are doing their best. The problem is, they do not realize things. They have never learned what has to be done. That is why this info.

I hope you do not underestimate this article. Here could be the source of your personal problems. Most adults have many problems on their mind. This is not from nature; this happened during you growing up to what you are right now. If you recognize things, it could be the starting point of a life changer. Because you know why. Read it again. Think about it. And again. And improve yourself.