you are wrong
Being a nice family
Dealing with problems
Enjoy the moment
Feeling music (10-31-17)
Get rid of insecurity
Goal in life
How we develop
Influence from your parents
Influences on children
Learning new things
"Nobody cares about me"
Relation, who fits to who
Stop hurting females
What is respect
What is self esteem
What is your tension level
Why do children say why
Women need to talk
You do not order (give orders) or command (your) children. You do this with slaves and animals. With humans, you ask. Looks the same, but it is completely different. Ordering is a sign of not respecting others.
How does this feel from your parents, your partner or your supervisor: "GET OUT OF MY CHAIR." Or this one: "GIVE ME THE SALT." It is annoying, because you are degraded to a servant. This always happens when ordering someone.
The result could be, refusing to do it, doing it under protest, or doing it very slowly. And maybe you are going to sit in his chair a next time, to irritate him. As a kind of protest for his lack of respect. With a thought like this "If he doesn't give me respect, he is not getting mine."
How does this feel: "Would you like to get out of my chair." Or: "Can you give me the salt."
This is a request and includes respect. If someone orders you to help him, you probably go in defense mode. If someone ask you to help in a friendly way, you most often don't mind. Most people are willing or even like to help if it is done in a respectful way. But nobody likes to be ordered. Nobody.
One more to rub it in. Someone has problems to get his car started and he says to you: "HEY YOU, PUSH MY CAR." Only the submissive ones will obey. But most will refuse to help and will think something I cannot say here. In the same situation a friendly: "Hi, my car doesn't start. Would you like to give me a push." Most will try to help out. Even the ones who are not very strong physically.
It feels good to help someone. Especially when you succeed. You are kind of proud at yourself because you helped someone. Even the next day it will give you a good feeling.
Back to the children. It is the same for them. They also don't like to be ordered. It hurts. It degrades them to a low life form. They protest, are going to refuse or slow it down too. Asking them is a different story. Children loved to help. You only have to ask. If you ask for help, that person gets the feeling he or she is appreciated.
There could be some resistance if they don't like it, or they have to help out too much. But there is no frustration out of disrespect, because it is asked. If it is about chores they don't like, put some pressure on it, but do not get mad or start to order. Say something like: "You know you have to do it." Or: "Does mom has to do you chore?"
The approach is, it is a family thing and one has to help the other. So it is cooperation. So not: "You have to do it (because I say so)". So if you help your child with something, you fully understand what I am saying here.
If you respect your children, you ask them for their help. If you order them, they do mind, because you are not respecting them. The helping out is not the problem. The ordering is the problem. Ordering degrades them to slaves or dogs. You do not do that to anybody, including children.
If you think by being nice and asking, you loose control over your children, you are wrong. This only happens if you are too soft and accept they (slowly) take over. Read my info "Who is in charge." Being in charge can be in a friendly way.
By asking you get the same things done, but now without frustration from children. And the child feels good, because he or she has helped someone. And with a "Thank you" you've made their day.
Frustration because of ordering, will return back to you, because children will start to rebel (more). There are only two reasons for rebel (which is not good): One is they are allowed to rebel and two is frustration because of not being treated with respect. Kind of getting mad. And this happens with ordering.
I hope I have changed the minds of the ones who are used to ordering. Very often this is because of one has grown up with being ordered. Because of that, one thinks it is normal to order. Well, it is not normal; it is wrong. It damage things.
If you have doubts, think how you would like to be treated and give it a try. If the child does what you want it to do and it goes in a relaxed way, you have succeeded.
Doing things wrong is not good. But most of the time it is because of not realizing things. That is why I want to wake you up so you can follow a better road. Better for you and (your) children.
If you feel quilty because it seems you did things wrong, means you are now seeing the track of the right way. Now you have to step on that track. So don't blame yourself. You didn't know there are better ways.