Improving Yourself

Relationships, who fits to who

There are rules for who belongs to who in a relationship. Not talking about friendship. This is a different story. With friends there is more distance. The trust issue is different. If you have problems with relationships, read. It could clarify things and prevent further damage.

Not everybody fits to everybody. That would be too easy.

There are two conceptions in who belongs to who in relationships. One is, opposites attract and the other one is like attracts like. Well, it sounds weird, but both rules are right. Here I am going to explain how this works. And yes, there are really rules for relationships.

The thing is, it depends. It depends on the kind of character. Opposites attract is for a dominating person and an insecure person. Like attracts like is for two strong persons or less strong, but nice people. Let me explain. I explain the adult situation, but it is the same for boys an girls.

How men are.

Most men have a certain amount of dominance (ego thing) and most women have a certain amount of insecurity. You can deny this, but unfortunately it is what it is. Not every man has the same ego strength. This varies from a little bit dominant to an arrogant ……..

This last one thinks he is perfect, is always right, does not like disagreement, gets easily aggressive and looks down to women. So there are levels in ego / manhood (is the same). Some are not so bad, while the opposites are impossible to deal with. So it varies from soft ego to strong ego.

A strong personality or strong character is something else. (Not going to explain the difference in this article.)

How women are.

Same here. Not every women is the same. Besides the circumstances of life, there is a lot of difference in character. Some have no faith at all in themselves, while others have only some doubts about themselves. Females can have ego's to, but it is more rare.

When opposites attract.

Opposites attract is for strong male ego's and very insecure women. It is not right. It will have many problems, but unfortunately this will be the result. A strong male ego wants to dominate and only a very insecure women will accept this.

It is even worse, she wants to be dominated. She wants someone else to take the lead (she is not capable of this) and she wants to follow him. Because she has very low self esteem, she would like to have respect. But if not, "it is fine, because I am not worthy anything."

She has become that way, because during her childhood, she had the same situation. Her self esteem was damaged (most of the time by dad) and now she wants the same situation with her future husband. Once again, not saying this is right.

When like attracts like.

This is for the man with little or no ego (= nice person) and not too much insecurity, versus the women with little or no self esteem issues. This can be a match. The man has no problem with equality and the women wants that too.

A women who has little or no doubts about herself has no problem making decisions and the right man has no problem giving her that space. (An ego will never accept a woman to be strong or have her own thoughts.) So this could work.

Two nice but not strong people (a lot of insecurity), could also be a match.

Two kinds of men without ego.

But a man with no or little ego (Ego is "I am a real man") has two variations. One is being insecure and the other one is having faith in himself. Yes, you can be strong without ego.

Don't see this black and white; there are levels in self esteem. It varies from a very insecure man (nerds, softies) to a man who has faith in himself. Like the ones you see in movies.

"But we can be friends."

An insecure man and a confident woman could match, but most of the time she wants someone stronger. But "we can be friends." A strong girl or woman will not easily fall in love with a soft male. She is missing something.

Strong belongs to strong.

A strong man without ego and a strong woman without ego, belong to each other. They understand and accept each other. This is like attracts like.

But don't see this too strict. In this case, a bit of insecurity or ego doesn't have to be a problem. You could see this as a too small piece of a jigsaw puzzle. It fits, but you can move it around a bit.

Which relationships goes wrong eventually.

A lot. A too dominated man for a women. After a while she does not accept his dominance and she is strong enough to leave him. She wants respect, but doesn't get it. He gets tired of not being able to suppress her and is trying to find an "easier" one.

A very insecure woman and nice soft man goes wrong most of the time unfortunately. He wants equality, but she doesn't want that, because she wants to be guided. "Where would you like to go on vacation?" is a problem for her.

She has a problem making decisions because she has no faith in herself. Maybe he gets frustrated by her insecurity, but most of the time she will end it, with "I am not in love with you. But we can stay friends." She likes him as a friend, but she wants to be dominated unfortunately. An insecure women will not fall in love with a nice, but soft man.

Always falling for bad men.

The ones who have this problem have (subconsciously) the need to be dominated. This is how they grew up. With this, they feel kind of comfortable because they are used to it and know how to behave. In other words, as soon as a woman feels the same as at home with dad, she falls for it. But bad boys are the source of many problems.

So there are levels in relationships.

A strong ego man "belongs" to an insecure female. I have read stories of women who are abused (including hospital), but staying with him, because she "is in love with him." A strong woman would never accept that.

A less strong ego man belongs to a less insecure woman. He is less bad and she accepts this behavior up to a certain point (with tensions once in while). Will it be too bad for her (more as her insecurity can accept), she will leave him.

How about on-off relationships.

An ego wants to be in charge and will try to break resistance. He wants her to be submissive. This can results in on-off relationships. He wants to put her down. > After a while she does not accept this anymore and leaves him. > He promises to behave better and she believes him. > They will try again. > He will try again to get control in a different way or more careful. > He meets her breaking point again and she leaves again. Etc.

In other words, he is too dominant compared to her insecurity or reversed, she is not insecure enough to accept his dominance.

Depends on the strength of a woman.

The stronger a woman is, the less dominance she will accept from him. She is strong enough to say no and she wants to be respected. An very insecure woman does not have the strength to say no and can live with the fact she is not respected, because she is "not worth anything." Some even accept beatings.

Levels of relationships.

So, top level of a good relationship is like attracts like is strong man (without ego) + strong woman (without ego). These two will get along very well, can have a very nice live and they will understand each other. Because they are equal.

Bottom level of a relationship is opposites attract, is for strong ego man + very insecure woman. He rules; she accepts. But they don't understand each other at all. There is no equality at all. They are not at friends level.

All others are somewhere in between. For instance a man with a bit of an ego (kind of nice) will match with a woman who has some doubts about herself. She will accept a bit of dominance, but only up to her point of self respect.

The more ego a man has, the lower a woman's self respect has to be, for getting a relationship and more. Once again, not saying it is right.

With talking about men's character, I mean the real person. Not the actor who is approaching a new target. This one is always nice. Otherwise it will never start.

There is also female ego.

There is another category I haven't mentioned. Some women also have ego's. These are not the ones who standing up for themselves and keeping problems at a distance. But the ones with dominating features. Strong is not the same as dominating.

The same rules for them. A strong female ego (not a very nice person) will fit with an insecure man. She can be bossy and he accepts / wants this. Here are also levels. In this case she is wearing the pants.

What to look for.

If you are insecure, you want someone who can lead and give you support. But most of the time these are the ones who do not want to lead, but dominate. They want to take over and keep you down. So there are two versions of strong personalities. The ones who are not so nice (ego) and the nice ones. Unfortunately the real nice ones are rare. But both are nice when they approach for the first time. Be warned.

If you are an insecure woman, you will have a better life with a man who is (a bit) insecure. Insecure means no or only little amounts of ego. Maybe you will not fall in love because they don't have the strength to lead, but in due course you will going to like him. And that is more important.